Bells

Bare feet.
Cream.
Simple.
Jolly.
Outside.
Elegant.
Beach?
Next year.
L.A.
Fall.
Jumping pictures.
Five each.
Lace?
Breezy.
Black.
Love.

Time Zones

This post is about right now.
Three hours further into time is she.
Lovesick?


Days are coming when I will see her less.
When I will hear her less.


What will it be like when I see her all the time?
Maybe I will write less.
I'd have less time in front of a computer and more time in her embrace.


Don't want to wake you, but I miss you. 
Want to laugh with you.


What is this novel feeling?
To think I couldn't be more consumed and yet my reality baffles me further.
If absence makes the heart grow fonder, what will become of me after a year's time?


I heard once that to know whom it is you truly love, is to know someone that inspires you.
Without a doubt, she inspires me.
She inspires me to push myself to the outer breaches of my potential. 


I haven't had a best friend...truly a best friend in so long.
For a story written about a boy so lonesome at his journey's inception, it could only be of the perfect art of Yahuah's storytelling to have a character evolve so much. Humanity's concept of perfection only emulates all that He has already done.
We fail.
But to be a part of this story, and to be in touch with the writer?
What a life to live!
Even within this short time...so much He has done.
I wonder at what He has in store for us. What wonders will present themselves as we journey our lives together.


I miss you terribly and am trying to enjoy this burden of loving you from afar, but I know and am excited that we will linger in one another's life to reach a time where we are so much closer.


Until the end of time, even?


I hope so.


I began this letter with lamenting.
Now I've found comfort in venting.


What's wrong with being honest?
To be open?


To be genuine and accepted is what I've dreamt to become.
My dream is a reality and I have had no greater earthly love:

.

Doe and Deer

O Lola dear
I long to have you near
I bear a heavy heart 
With you away
I dream and sing
(Just who was I fooling)
All to pass the time 
With you away


On the 105
It wasn't hard to cry
Cuz I never wished to ever leave your side


O it's a wonder how 
We came together now
My thoughts linger on you
With you away 
I miss your face so close
Your freckles and your toes
All those lovely things
With you away


After some short while
Of watching the sundial
Our reunion will no longer be a dream


Sweet gold within your eyes
An eclipse within the bluest sky
Your lashes steal my breath away
Your skin I miss touching my face
But I know each breath's a moment closer
Bring me back


O Lola dear
I miss you right here
Want you in my arms
Always to stay 
O Loren dear 
You make my insides cheer
My face I've never known
To ever smile so much
I love you   

Sudden Color In the Black and White

Surviving some number of days, though malnourished and creaky..dust trailing off his head, his shoulders as he meanders the nearly vacuumed space of his abode: a man,
now a cocooned version of his former self makes his way down those stairs.


These stairs; yes those,
Of them, she knows.
We rose above the flight.
A space once here,
So near; we fear
This land has lost its might
To crawl back up
And out above
The past, 
The time now gone
A place where once
Our life was one
In memory,
In fun.


Such music of thought rings in my mind as I walk in places where her once living impression upon time pressed.


Days carry on as I see times past play in the present.


I see her laid head on my shoulder as I stare at the emptiness beside me.
..her breathing body in blankets deflated where we spoke in blinks and gaze.
I hear her laugh in a kitchen where only the drip and drop of a faucet speaks.
..her soft voice speak in sighs as we sail the black seas within the other's eye. But truly, the faint signs of life beyond are all that creep into the room; destroying silence.
I feel the silk of her skin: her temple hugging mine as I serenade with strings and voice. She serenades with her entirety singing back where that land is dry, desolate, deserted of her trace.
..my rarest smile sear across my face.


You'll be picking up your cousins from Toronto.
Huh..you know... you should stop in Cincinnati because the last time I went to Toronto, I had such a great time there!


She looks up at my beaming face.


Waiiit, who lives in Cincinna.... oooh my gosh..


Yahuah, I gave You praise here. Only you could have crafted such a moment. You started before I even found her voice in my heart. You started with whatever took my mom to that city, and planted that pleasant memory for many uses...but my favorite being to release its recollection at that moment. All praises to Your magnificence, my King.


Seven days of graying days came color.
A couple of days, holding hands and kissing each other, walked into my life and left, leaving me with the delight of seeing my soulmate. 


A surprise gift truly given by Eloah to the both of us as if blessed for our devotion.
And blessed we were: savoring those moments as we lived out lives in color once more.

Across the Bay

My other half's absence was never so obvious.


I had to learn how to not expect her presence beside me as I sat, walked, breathed.
I quickly grew tired of this void.


Piano notes, lonesome and spread apart. No chords. No harmony.
A single voice is dull compared to the weaving of melodies sung by a duet of voices.
This bird chirped all on its own.
His love beyond earshot of his beckoning call. 
He knew somewhere that their eyes saw the same sun.
He knew that they fell asleep with the same moon hanging above in the blanket of night that once held them warm as they sang with overflowing hearts.


Daytime television.
Dull; passing the time in monotony. 
Sifting through moments after having previous experienced such euphoric enlightenment.
Life's luster grew faint as its shine was extinguished with her departure.


Happiness, sadness.
Such sudden opposites experienced causes nausea, maybe vomiting like hot drink following the cold.

Days Away From Separation

We saw him coming.

His slow heavy footsteps we ignored as best as we could.

The Day that separates us.

Interrupting our bliss like the rude with no tact.

Like ignoring death and appreciating the few moments left before its cold grasp squeezes the last of life from one's neck.

We used our weakening breaths for whatever moments we could squeeze in before he'd come and part us with his smelly, scabby hands.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess.

We laughed, we cried, we played, we sat, we cooked, we cleaned, we smiled, we frowned, we found a love in the other in those last moments. 

And then he came.

Bring Me the Horizon

We spend hours invading each other's personal spaces.

Faces so close, they are disfigured. Ocular organs blurred with cheek, nose. Our nonsensical reality stands still as we both know within our minds that although what our eyes see don't make sense, this is us wanting to be part of the other. 

We fall into the black of each other's pupil; receiving the other's exhale; noting every touch, movement.


Our words harmonize with the invisible motions of spirit. Our ghostly bodies embrace beyond sight.
Our taste of life within the other's arm? Never enough.


Here lay the moments of star-gazing while the sun is still out. Finding beauty and intrigue in a world I only dream to explore. One that imagination will never do proper justice.


My secret eclipse. My favorite wonder does not take lifetimes to view, although the gaps between her view are often more unbearable than I'd like.
Such fiery arms that reach out from behind that complete darkness!
And then, as if immediately extinguished, the blue of the coolest water.
I hope it a fresh water body.
Barefoot. The pool starts shallow, tickling the ankles.
Bare skin. Radiating warmth. A malak's wind, painting perfection on the canvas of my senses.
My knees meet the fluid's slop and hold.
Immersing bent arms. 
Lazily allowing to be overwhelmed, I soon arise having hardly captured some of this essence in my bowl of fingers.
Nearing my lips, even the thoughts on how sweet it will be stirs my heart as when finally quenching dry desire.


Lola's eyes.

Numero Siete Y La Playa

We spend most of the day together.
Mellow activities. 
Lonesome conversations, warm and welcome.


I ignore the fact that I asked her anything the day before.
I'm not humming and buzzing as hard as before.
Having released most of my vomit-of-the-mouth, my body felt light as I tiptoed on the tightrope connecting our paths.


We walk the Venice strip.
The original intention of finding a particular henna design now void as many of the shops were closing; sunset is here.
We next direct ourselves to the horizon.
Our company of four manage several photos savoring what was left of the parting sun.
On an island beyond where the others' eyes could see, my thoughts wonder on her.
Picking at what her answer would be: Would she need several other days? Was she still in need of revealing? 
Calm.
I breathe. 
Walking.
Soft sand between our toes.
Slight bumping of arms as we comfortably walk beside the other; closer than platonic friends should.


About that question.. You don't have to..


Yes.


Huh? Yes?


Yes.


Well, I was just gonna ask... wait..yes? like yes?! 
Are you sure? 


Still in slight shock..I confess that from her silence on the matter throughout the day, I was quite sure that she was not interested.
Her following words quell my storm of doubt.






They're running up behind us..
Reunited, our company are half oblivious to the intensity of the previous moment.
Sweating, pumping, twisting: all invisible.


First time for many things.
Twilight nips at our heels. 
The revelation of her being the love of my life not yet recognized, we return to the concrete land. 
A blanket of night wraps around us as our fingers interlock; we giggle and smile, growing closer with each passing moment. 
Now united in a way that I don't expect to sever ever.
The first of many car rides together as this new body. We learn to share our limbs, our parts. 
(To think of my distance from you now at this very moment, I feel incomplete. I am missing my hands and feet. My other set of eyes. Where has my other half gone? Tears.)
Our fingers kiss before our lips do.
Siamese almost. I close my eyes. They swim in a sweet vanilla space of euphoria as I embrace your hold. 
I radiate.


Movies tonight.
A twisted joke played on us as Going the Distance is selected by the rest of our company. 
We've only days together.
I didn't laugh.


Even so, I am captivated.
We shatter the walls and spaces that were before appropriately placed.
We, a new person; between the two of us is naught other than whatever He who dwells in shamayim is privy to.
Squeeze me closer.
Her eskimos are my favorite.
All of my senses...they are not enough; I wish for more only to inhale her even moreso.


Our first kiss and kiss and kiss happen here.

A Welcomed Loneliness

We arrive, and no one seems to be home.
As usual, she doesn't allow me to be a good host.
This, and many other tiny wonders, only fanned my fire for her.


Being who I am, of course I had no lewd conduct in mind.
My only scheme was to somehow alleviate this pressure sitting  at my chest. But how? I knew not!


The orange glow of sunset played with the shadows as we spoke, smiled, laughed in moments that did not last long enough.


I take a dorky moment to upload files.
We're on the second floor.
Seeing as heat rises, and the office no longer receives air flow, beads of sweat easily formed on my body.
It's sooo hot.
I complain as usual, fully being able to bear the overwhelming warmth.
She enjoys it she says.
Tiny wonder number five hundred and thirty-nine.
Sigh...the comfort of sitting in her presence.


I don't know how or what it was that I said exactly.
Maybe she remembers...but I manage to express my emotion through what I remember as a robotic business proposal.


Later in the story, she tells me that it was perfect.
She's too much right? I know! LOVE.


On top of that, we manage to leave the room but not before she expresses that she will need to pray and think about her response.
First time I've heard any girl, EVER say such things.
In comfortable unity, we leave the room with the business done and enjoy the rest of the evening with friends.


Her wisdom, love for Eloah, and striving to aid this world with a humble heart:  all things that locked me in.
I was blissfully drowning in thoughts of us together.
Has any man died so peacefully?

Plateau

Such a short time and still I missed her greatly.


I meet her at the place of her temporary residing.


How do I reveal what my insides scream out for?
It seemed impossible.


She told me once already that this summer seemed like such a bust.
I couldn't help but feel like I let her down.
The first few days she was in town, I was busy working my last week before school let out for summer.
On the days that we did finally hang, most of the time we babysat. A little on the boring side, but I was kept smiling with being able to be around her.


But would this be the last trip for her?
She's to move away soon.
Going to where the work is.
Originally the plan was to be here in Los Angeles, but things didn't pan out.


Wana go to my house?
Okay. 

The Descent

Days before our departure, and I was already dreading our going back home.

It wasn't the noisy atmosphere, the smoggy air, or the unfriendly faces that I dreaded; 'twas the descent itself.

I had the luxury of coming up at my leisure: without a caravan of impatient drivers and without a paranoid co-pilot.

I didn't play the song for her until days after its birth, but I did show her the lyrics before we made our trip down.

I think she likes it.

Hours, I spent practicing, memorizing it. 

Someone said they saw Lidia dancing along on the other side of the bush where I didn't see her.

People talked a little too much on that mountain, either way.

Stressfully, all twenty-sumthing of us were packed and ready to go.

All four vehicles set.

She rode back with me.

Blessed.

All I had was nerves.

Fully aware of that still-consuming white hole.

Instead of sucking away particles into oblivion, particles were expanding within me from some unknown well of fierce emotion. As if my body has been humming ever since, vibrating with such energy, I wonder how it is I do not explode.

It is a good thing I didn't have to drive all the way back.

We made several stops due to overheating brakes and leaky water pumps. No quality conversations made and there was pretty much silence between us in the car.

Urgh..what buzzing within me!

Bombs burst in the air, on the streets, as we leave the forest and enter into the more so populated lands. 

Red sky.

We're dropping her off and I won't see her until the morrow's evening. I hardly remember living that day, it went by so fast.

The Ocean, My Friend

I hid in the back side of the porch.
Trial and error.
Song pieced itself together faster than I remember any other song doing,
but nonetheless it was a brutal write.
Find the fitting melodies.
Don't get too repetitive.
Let your emotion flow out from each note.
Write a song for her because she deserves it.
She deserves to have something beautiful.
Something made in an attempt to thank her for being her in all of her beauty; inside, outside.


It's as if my subconscious wrote the lyrics.
Did the Ruach tell me what to write?
Yahuah has been strongly present in this entire process of getting closer to this ishah. Reading what I wrote after, I searched.
What was written was more intense than I anticipated and yet I felt fully comfortable with its delivery. 
Even now, that song...it's a mystery to me.
It grew on its own.
People may not get it, but I do not write these songs all of my own talent.
I have pieces of information, emotions, experiences. 
Yahuah gives me some of his creativity. I know its feeling well.
Always beautiful to work with, but not my own.
I cannot be so proud of something that wasn't born fully of myself.
For this, I am thankful and blessed.
He knows many things that I don't.
And He knew this needed to be written for her.
For my love, my other half, my best friend.


I thought that I found you.
But, I didn't find you.
He introduced us.

I look across the glistening water to find
That you're so far away now  


I still believe that  
One day we will make our way back 
It's hard to perceive  
That my life could go on without..  


Your eyes wander into my gaze 
You caught me smilin' 
At the thought of you lookin' up at my way  
I still believe one day we will make our way back 
It's hard to perceive that my life could go on without  
You 
Are the ocean to my thirsting wonder 
You 
Are the windows to my blindness 
You are innocence, 
Captured intelligence, 
A beauty, 
A best friend, 
A blessing 


But here we must give our parting words 
The visit's over 
But know I'll keep your picture here 
Inside of my mind's eye 
My mind's eye 
My mind



The more I read these lyrics, the more I learn that this didn't come from me.
My blindness, I tried to explain what that was.
Out of pride, ugly pride, my enemy...I was wrong.
She gave me windows into loving and learning how not to judge even better.
Without words, she was used to teach me.
How she has blessed my life already. 
Lola, a gift I don't deserve.
A friend I didn't know I needed.
She filled a hole that I thought would never, could never, be restored.
A constant wonder like the size of mountains, like the depths of shamayim, like the intricacies of my own flesh...this wonder consumes me.
A love I've never known before.


Todah Yahuah for her. Todah

On the Mountain..

My instincts were steering me clear of the Big Bear trip.
Khandi and my parents were hecka pushing me to go
Argh..


I don't have the money for it.
Ope, guess I can't go.


It's okay I'll pay for you.
Eh, no thanks I don't like owing money to anyone.


Days pass.


Hey Har, if I paid for you, would you go?
Sigh....sure.
Okay...good.


About a week before the trip.


Hey Har, don't forget you owe me fifty bucks for the trip.
Oh, uh....okay.


I think about it now and wonder what life would be like had I not gone to Big Bear.
Had I not watched the stars with her and marveled at the wonders above us.
Had I not slept isolated in my tent only to wake knowing that the last thing I saw was us sharing a kiss I did not yet have the joy of experiencing.


Little did she know I had this bubbling feeling.
Growing.
Consuming me as we played through moments both comfortable and usual.


They're off to the Lake!
I'm not much of a swimmer...and I've been inspired to work on this song anyhow.
About an hour or so later, they're back and the song is done!
Just needs some smoothing out, ya kno, memorizing vocal notes and chord changes.
Abel and Pops ask what I'm working on.
Pops asks who I wrote the song for after playing it for him.


Ehh...it's inspired by a couple of people.
So as to not lie, I did write having her in mind and thought it funny how people would think this song was about Eloah. But yea, it was all about and for Lola.